Ask Me Anything (except for money)
Hello, hope you are doing
Hello, hope you are doing well.
Ask Me Anything
So I had to take advantage of getting to ask you anything, but I can't think of anything interesting.
So I will make it about you, so we can all get to know you better.
What is your favorite meal, favorite color and favorite vacation spot.
I know, that is three questions, if you want to stick to one, you can choose the one you want to answer.
Thanks Caleb!
My love for pizza has only
My love for pizza has only increased since I discovered my gluten allergy. Yes, there is gluten-free pizza. No, it's not nearly as good. Sometimes I decide that I'll pay the penalty of intense fatigue and I indulge, but mostly I resist. It's its own type of hell.
My ideal vacation spot involves two things: nature and quiet. Give me a small cabin in the mountains with a couple books and a couple expensive cigars.
Black. Obvs.
Pizza became vastly more
Pizza became vastly more interesting after I discovered my dairy allergy. Cheese free pizza, not quite the same.
The best way to counteract
The best way to counteract the siren song of pizza is to have it be the last thing you eat before exhibiting the classic symptoms of norovirus. I don't recommend it, but it is effective.
Thank you
Just wanted to say thank you for writing your book! I bought it on Saturday and finished it in one day! My father recently passed away, and reading your book gave me great peace. I plan on reading it again!
This made my day :)
This made my day :)
Well good! I'm having a
Well good! I'm having a difficult day :( Today is my birthday. Having a hard time celebrating when my one wish can't come true.
My question for you is, what
My question for you is, what advice would you give to someone dealing with complicated grief from tragic deaths of friends and family?
In her book "Grief", Linda J.
In her book "Grief", Linda J. Schupp puts grief into three main categories: Normal, Complicated, and Tragic. Both complicated and tragic types of grief are usually rather isolating due to their unique nature. It's helpful to treat grief like a disease (it's not, but it's helpful to see it in a similar manner as far as our own roles and responsibilities). If a friend has cancer, we can encourage them, help them, bake them food, play games with them, but it's the doctor's role to diagnose, medicate, heal, etc. If someone is dealing with complicated or traumatic grief, we can be their friends, but they really need to see an expert if they want a diagnosis, medication and some type of "healing". Be their friend. Encourage them to see a grief psychologist.
Home Funerals
What do you think about home funerals? Families taking care of their own dead.
We need more of them. If I'm
We need more of them. If I'm lucky enough to write another book, I'm going to write it on green cemeteries and home funerals.
Green Cemeteries
I love this whole concept, and fervently hope you DO write this book!
2 years later
I hope I'm doing this right, never been on here before but I'm a fan of your blog,
I have a question,
What sort of condition would an unembalmed body buried in a regular sort of coffin be in after 2 1/2 years,
Uk temperatures if that makes much difference,
I'm not squeamish so please be honest,
I'm genuinely interested,
Thank you
Hmm. There'd probably be
Hmm. There'd probably be some dried flesh and bone. Mostly bone. If the body was exposed to water, or open to the elements, it's probably all bone. If you're not squeamish, type in "Body Farm" in your search engine and check out some of the videos.
Thank you,
Thank you,
I have seen some body farm videos but I was interested in a more traditional burial setting!
I love the Tibetan sky funeral thing though, I think I saw that on your page a long time ago,
There's also a book called
There's also a book called "Stiff" by Mary Roach that discusses body farms. It's a fascinating book.
Morgue
Have you ever had to deal with necrophilia in the workplace? I mean the world is a weird place and in sure you've seen many workers come and go, did any give you the creeps?
I've never dealt with it, nor
I've never dealt with it, nor suspected it. Funeral director conferences can be nearly as exciting as Comic Con. SO MANY STORIES!!! And funeral directors love to tell the dirty details and the most extreme of their stories. But, in the various conferences and gatherings, I've attended, I've never once heard even a rumor. So, I don't think it happens much at all. Now, I have heard of couples breaking into a funeral home to have sex in the morgue (not with the dead, but with each other).
Necrophelia
13th Funeral Director in family where both father and mother's families FD. Been licensed for42 years and have never run across it either. Would like to think we are all professionals but sure it happens somewhere-sometime
Necrophilia
It does happen....it happened to my great grandmother in 1981. My grandfather caught the guy in the funeral home doing it. He brought it to the attention of the funeral director who said he would take care of it. In 1996 my other great grandmother died and that day in the newspaper was an article about a guy who was caught IN THE SAME FUNERAL HOME doing the same thing!! It was the SAME GUY!! Came to find out necrophilia wasn’t illegal in Iowa and if it were legal, the statute of limitations would have been over for us to go back and sue. Let me see if I can find the article from 1996. If I can I’ll post it. I believe necrophilia is illegal in Iowa now but I discourage anyone from using this popular funeral home in Des Moines whenever I can.
Necrophilia
https://www.newspapers.com/image/127664274/
I found the link...it was in 95, I fat fingered the original post. If you can’t see the link google “necrophilia cases in Des Moines, IA”.
I would love to ask something
I would love to ask something but I can't read anything posted on here. It all appears blank to me.
I was having the same problem
I was having the same problem on my phone, I turned it on its side and I can now see what's going on,
Hope this helps
Blank page where questions and answers should be-
I had the same problem and had almost given up but when I turned the phone sideways, everything was fine. Unfortunately I don’t think the people having the same problem will be able to see our solution!
Curious
When my daughter died of CO (from a faulty furnace), the funeral director put a turtleneck under the dress she had worn to her first formal dance just a month earlier. It was a lacy dress with a scoop neck, but she loved that dress and the turtleneck rather bunged that up. Why was that?
Many funeral directors use
Many funeral directors use the carotid artery and jugular vein to embalm. You can feel your carotid pulsate on your neck. We generally make the incision above the collarbone. Dresses with a scoop neck would expose that incision, so my guess would be that the turtleneck was placed there to cover the incision. An embalmer can avoid this by raising the femoral, or some other artery.
Thank you. I thought it
Thank you. I thought it might be because the CO makes one's skin color quite pink/red, so I assumed it had something to do with that. Never thought about access.
CO death
Light cosmetics of right kind should cover up cherry color. And a carotid incision made below the collar bone would be low enough to not show in most cases (easy to learn to do). And a little was can be used to hide incision if necessary.
Funeral directing
Have you ever cried with a family or do you feel it's your place to be strong for them?
I wish I could cry more.
I wish I could cry more. There's something in me that keeps me from doing it. I generally go a year or two without crying (and I don't think that's healthy). But, if I did cry more easily, and I felt like it was appropriate, I'd do it.
If you have a body that was
If you have a body that was burnt for a long period of time, how do you keep the smell down during the funeral? ( had a family member die this way and have always wondered.)
Yes. Burned bodies have a
Yes. Burned bodies have a unique smell, but it's not as potent as some other smells ... like the smells of a body in decomp. A burn victim could be in our prep room with the fans on full blast and it wouldn't seep into any of the other rooms.
Liquid cremation
What do you think about Alkaline hydrolysis—also known as liquid cremation? I have gotten your book but have not read it yet, but can't wait to read it.
Three thoughts:
Three thoughts:
I don't know why it's illegal in some states.
It's more eco-friendly than cremation by fire
It can be more economical too
Would this be
Would this be better for obese people then fire.
Hmm. I don't think I have
Hmm. I don't think I have the info to answer that one. Liquid cremation was first used for cows with mad cow disease. Those AH machines could do it with ease. But most of the anthropoidal AH machines seem to be pretty small to handle very large persons.
I got my funeral service
I got my funeral service license a few months ago. Do you ever get over being nervous before a funeral or meeting with a family?
Ha. So true. SO. MANY.
Ha. So true. SO. MANY. NERVES. But, it does get better.
Emotional bandwidth. That's the term. As we grow both professionally and personally (something that only happens through time and experience) our ability to handle certain things generally grows. Like bandwidth with an internet connection, the larger the bandwidth, the more we can handle and the less nervous we become. I, admittedly, still have nerves. But it's much less than it used to be.
Sealed caskets vs non sealed
I was wondering if it could be true that sealed caskets with rubber gasket causes a lot of problems in a mausoleum. I've heard by many to cut the gasket so you don't have the bad leakages coming out of the front ?? So as to let the body dry out normally??
I heard that possibly gasses can build up an cause the body to bloat and blow up because of gasses?. Lotsa myths out there floating around.....
Sealed caskets
I think Caleb missed this answer.
☹️ Sorry Lamont.
death trinkets
A friend of mine would like to leave me his skull when he dies. What kind of laws/rules/regulations exist for this to happen, or not?
I don't think it's illegal,
I don't think it's illegal, but I don't know who'd do it for you. It's something your buddy would have to set up ... and he'd have to find a person who'd strip the flesh, brain, etc. Off the top of my head, I don't know any businesses that do this.
Thanks!
Glad for the relaunch.
Recommendations
Hi Caleb,
I have loved reading Confessions of a Funeral Director. Many thanks for broadening our view of death and death care ritual. I have recently been working as a pre-need independent sales representative for a major cremation provider. I love being with people and helping them with final arrangements, and want to take a next step in this field. But I have no idea what is out there for work other than funeral director. Are there books you can recommend to broaden my awareness of work opportunities in this field?
As far as books about
As far as books about professional opportunities BESIDE funeral director, I'm not aware of anything specifically, but there are books that look at alt-death care practices, like "Grave Matters" by Mark Harris and "Final Rights" by Josh Slocum, and probably the best one is a new textbook on alt-funeral practices called, "Changing Landscapes" ed. by Lee Webster.
Many thanks for the recommendations!
I have the feeling that I'll be doing a lot of reading soon . . .
ask anything?
ok, since I have been in nursing and seen a few people pass that I loved , do you feel at times that you become hardened to death and feel it's just the end result of life? curious as I don't cry much, and question my feelings on this.
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Ask Me Anything (except for money)